25 And Still Not Married

“So, you’re going to be twenty-five.”

My Medzmama smiles and shakes her head at me.

“I got married when I was twenty-five, I had your mother when I was twenty-six.”

I don’t say anything, hoping that the awkward silence will veer her away from the direction this conversation is going. But subtlety is not among my Medzmama’s many admirable qualities.

“So you have no one special?”
“No Medzmama.”

“No one you want to marry?”

It takes a lot for me not to point out that if I don’t have someone special, how could I possibly have someone I’d want to marry?

These conversations come out of nowhere and tend to leave me wondering what I’m doing with my life.

Lately it feels like everyone on my Facebook feed is married and having children and I’m sitting at home watching Frasier with my cat.

Of course that’s not all I’m doing. I work full time in a public school and am involved in my community through a variety of different groups, all generally focused on Shared Economy. I am working on a project called ImPACT Fest that exemplifies and promotes Shared Economy in Hartford. I’m learning to knit and I like to pretend that I can cook. I am planning a trip to Armenia in the Fall of 2015 and I am looking into graduate school programs for when I return.

Despite all of this I still find myself constantly fielding questions about my relationship status.

The reality is that I don’t feel that I’m anywhere near prepared to get married and have a family and yet everyone else seems to be. I know that I'm making the right decision by not rushing into things. At least I think that I know that. The more I compare myself to others the more I start to question my own logic.

How is it that now, at almost 25 harrowing years old, I seem to be less confident in my decisions than I was in college? How is it that things which seemed so clear to me then are now up for debate again? Like if I want children or not. Like if I think I’ll marry someone and live in a house with them and own a washing machine. These are the real questions.

When I tell my Medzmama that no, I do not have anyone I’m going to marry, she tries to be understanding.

“Well,” she says with a sad smile “that’s okay, you work hard.”

I know that it’s not really okay for her, but luckily my Medzmama values hard work above all else so I’ve managed to redeem myself…this time. 

Let’s hope I never am out of a job.

My cat, Nephthys, naps professionally.